![\"\"](\"http:\/\/www.ordinaryservant.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/08\/MMs.jpg\")
<\/a>Courtesy of Creative Commons<\/p><\/div>\n
Something about peanut M&M\u2019s soothes me.<\/p>\n
I sit here, typing and thinking, why am I crying? My friends are saying wonderful things and I\u2019m crying when I should be happy.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s just like when my husband says I\u2019m beautiful, and I respond, you just love me. Or like in this case, when my friends tell me they believe in me and I cry.<\/p>\n
What is it with me?<\/p>\n
It seems I\u2019m not used to being loved.<\/p>\n
There is the deep seated sense of unworthiness plaguing me.<\/p>\n
My husband tells me he loves me, my friends compliment me, and\u00a0sadly, it doesn\u2019t compute.<\/p>\n
*****<\/p>\n
This weekend I was really down. I started telling my husband how I must be a real\u00a0disappointment to God.<\/p>\n
I know what you are going to say. I\u2019m being too hard on myself, right?<\/p>\n
And you would be right\u00a0to say\u00a0that.<\/p>\n
However, this is what I believe.\u00a0It\u2019s not some ploy to fish for compliments or anything.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s the fractured self I live with every day.<\/p>\n
Broken and battered soul who hasn\u2019t fully healed from all the pain and hurt life has dished.<\/p>\n
If you met me in person, you wouldn\u2019t see this side unless you were looking closely. I have learned to survive and put up a good front.<\/p>\n
But, the mask I wear is slowly crumbling. \u00a0<\/p>\n
No, I do not see myself the way God sees me. I see through a tainted glass. My perception is warped based on years of repetitive traumatic experiences which I don\u2019t care to get into at the moment.<\/p>\n
I see the damage it has done and no, I don\u2019t want to remain this way. I continue to pray for healing in the broken and\u00a0painful places.<\/p>\n
The places where others looking on the outside may judge me for.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s so easy to judge someone without knowing their story. We all do it, but it\u2019s wrong, because we really don\u2019t know why a person is the way they are or acts the way they do. We just label.<\/p>\n
Meanwhile, I find, the people who judge\u00a0severest, are the ones who are most damaged themselves. We reflect on to others what we ourselves are; like a mirror.<\/p>\n
I want to see myself through God\u2019s reflection and not my own or anyone elses for that matter.<\/p>\n
I want to be able to receive and accept love from others without feeling the\u00a0shame and unworthiness of it.<\/p>\n
I don\u2019t want to\u00a0live my life always fearful, anxious,\u00a0suspicious or guarded.<\/p>\n
Yes, I want to use wisdom and discernment\u00a0in setting firm boundaries where I must with others; whether it be family, friend or foe.<\/p>\n
However, I don\u2019t want to blanket everyone who has genuine intentions by putting them in the same category\u00a0of those who have hurt me either.<\/p>\n
I pray for myself and for all those struggling like me. May the Lord continue to touch and\u00a0heal the\u00a0broken places in our lives and make us whole.<\/p>\n
Do you struggle with allowing yourself to be loved? How do you think God sees you? How do you see yourself and others?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
After I read a comment from a friend of mine on Facebook, tears streamed down my face while\u00a0I popped\u00a0M&M\u2019s in my mouth. Something about peanut M&M\u2019s soothes me. I sit here, typing and thinking, why am I crying? My friends are saying wonderful things and I\u2019m crying when I should be happy. It\u2019s just like […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0},"categories":[10,7,85],"tags":[577,151,578],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.ordinaryservant.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2199"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.ordinaryservant.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.ordinaryservant.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.ordinaryservant.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.ordinaryservant.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2199"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"http:\/\/www.ordinaryservant.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2199\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2202,"href":"http:\/\/www.ordinaryservant.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2199\/revisions\/2202"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.ordinaryservant.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2199"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.ordinaryservant.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2199"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.ordinaryservant.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2199"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}