I’m Not Used To Being Loved

After I read a comment from a friend of mine on Facebook, tears streamed down my face while I popped M&M’s in my mouth.

Courtesy of Creative Commons

Something about peanut M&M’s soothes me.

I sit here, typing and thinking, why am I crying? My friends are saying wonderful things and I’m crying when I should be happy.

It’s just like when my husband says I’m beautiful, and I respond, you just love me. Or like in this case, when my friends tell me they believe in me and I cry.

What is it with me?

It seems I’m not used to being loved.

There is the deep seated sense of unworthiness plaguing me.

My husband tells me he loves me, my friends compliment me, and sadly, it doesn’t compute.

*****

This weekend I was really down. I started telling my husband how I must be a real disappointment to God.

I know what you are going to say. I’m being too hard on myself, right?

And you would be right to say that.

However, this is what I believe. It’s not some ploy to fish for compliments or anything.

It’s the fractured self I live with every day.

Broken and battered soul who hasn’t fully healed from all the pain and hurt life has dished.

If you met me in person, you wouldn’t see this side unless you were looking closely. I have learned to survive and put up a good front.

But, the mask I wear is slowly crumbling.  

No, I do not see myself the way God sees me. I see through a tainted glass. My perception is warped based on years of repetitive traumatic experiences which I don’t care to get into at the moment.

I see the damage it has done and no, I don’t want to remain this way. I continue to pray for healing in the broken and painful places.

The places where others looking on the outside may judge me for.

It’s so easy to judge someone without knowing their story. We all do it, but it’s wrong, because we really don’t know why a person is the way they are or acts the way they do. We just label.

Meanwhile, I find, the people who judge severest, are the ones who are most damaged themselves. We reflect on to others what we ourselves are; like a mirror.

I want to see myself through God’s reflection and not my own or anyone elses for that matter.

I want to be able to receive and accept love from others without feeling the shame and unworthiness of it.

I don’t want to live my life always fearful, anxious, suspicious or guarded.

Yes, I want to use wisdom and discernment in setting firm boundaries where I must with others; whether it be family, friend or foe.

However, I don’t want to blanket everyone who has genuine intentions by putting them in the same category of those who have hurt me either.

I pray for myself and for all those struggling like me. May the Lord continue to touch and heal the broken places in our lives and make us whole.

Do you struggle with allowing yourself to be loved? How do you think God sees you? How do you see yourself and others?

  • Christine Niles

    Those of us who have lived through betrayal and trauma and pain often see ourselves a lot differently than God sees us. Not new…even Moses saw himself as broken and insufficient where God saw him as a leader and equipped him as such.

    In things such as these, trust God and trust His people to speak truth. And let go of the opinions of everyone else who is not speaking that truth, even if that’s yourself. (easier said than done, i know….)

    • Thank you my dear friend. I love and appreciate you. 🙂

  • Melanie Jones

    What you wrote resonates with me. Thank you for being vulerable, i admire your courage. I have been in the process of melting away my masks, healing myself. I call my journey which feels like I am “untying knots”. Your post is a gift to me, thank you for using your voice to make a difference. God’s promise, Jeremiah 29:11

    • Thank you, Melanie. Your kind words mean a lot. I appreciate your reading my post and commenting. I will keep you in my prayers as we continue to heal. Know that you are not alone my sister. 🙂

  • Pilar, I know all about struggling to hear His love and truth. We hear it, but we recognize it doesn’t penetrate out heart. This is one prayer He’ll answer, friend. I’ve prayed it many times over the years–the cry of a daughter desperate for His love to make her believe Him, for real. Yes, I am praying for you. I know this place. No matter our past, Satan doesn’t want us to believe this. You are powerful, you know, leaning on your own weaknesses and your Father’s strength. And Satan doesn’t want you to live from that place. xo

    • Thank you, Jennifer. I really appreciate your comment and most of all, prayers. I continue to pray for freedom. 🙂

  • Bernard

    I have good news and bad news. The good news is you are loved beyond measure. The bad news, however, is you will need to get used to it. I am continually amazed at the level of transparency with which you write. May God continue to be glorified in and through your honest and available vessel. It is truly a blessing to witness what you do inChrist who strengthens you.

    • Well Mr. B, coming from you, this is a sincere compliment. Thank you for taking time out of you incredibly busy schedule with the boys to bless me with your beautiful comment. I value and cherish it. Thank you for also being in my life and loving me well. May the Lord continue to bless you with more and more for your kind and generous heart. Love you, P.

  • I think if we are honest, we’ve all had moments where we disregard the (true) kind words of others and cling tightly to unworthiness. It’s a big struggle for me still. I am learning to let the words from those who know me the best right true, and to apply the many unbelievable things I read about myself in the Bible to my self-perceptions. Not sure I will ever get there, but know this my friend — you are not alone in this struggle

  • i’ve lived a good life. and still do. my parents have always expressed how much they love me, my wife says she loves me each and every day, my brother makes it a point to say “i love you” before hanging up the phone with me, and i’ve never lacked for a good support system. i don’t share this to brag or anything, but simply to get to my point: even with much love in my life, i often feel unworthy of love. i think it’s tragically, part of the human condition.

    good words, pilar!

    • Wow, thank you for sharing this. You are the coolest.