I Want To Believe

Do you believe in miracles? When you read the Bible, what goes through your mind? When you read about Heaven or Hell, do you believe it?

Well, I have a confession to make… I really don’t believe what I read, which is probably why I don’t feel compelled to read the Bible. But I want to believe.

I hear Jesus’ voice echoing in the recesses of my mind, asking me the same question, “Who do you say that I am?” (Mark 8:29)

I’m still trying to figure this out.

I have traveled far and wide seeking truth.  I shudder at the realization of how much money I’ve spent searching for God. I could have paid for a college education and owned two condos by now. No joke.

Sadly, I’m still at square one. If I’m honest, I lack faith and belief. True story.

I believe it is by God’s design I review Christian books. Because recently, I’m being challenged to the core by a book I’m reading and reviewing.

I’m sure you are curious… it’s called Signs, Wonders and a Baptist Preacher by Chad Norris. Have you heard of the book or the author? No? Well, me either… until now.

It was simple… Chosen Books sent me an email asking me which book I wanted to review and I chose this one. However, I didn’t know as a result of reading this book, it would turn my world and heart upside down.

Secretly, I had an underlying agenda in selecting this book and it was to discredit it. I wanted to write off the author as crazy, nuts, off the wall, etc…

However, by the time I hit page 40, I needed to speak to this man! There was such a drive in me to speak with him.

Thankfully, when I did reach him, he was very gracious. He didn’t think I was a lunatic from New York City. He agreed to speak to me through Skype a few nights ago.

Chad Norris isn’t nuts, off the wall or crazy… he is one of the most down to earth, nice, laid back dudes I ever met. He is NORMAL!

I can’t discredit him or his book at all.

Now what?

Well… I was left with looking at myself… where I’m really at with all of this stuff.

Folks, I love Jesus, but I lack faith and do not believe in miracles. I’m cynical, I doubt and question everything in the Bible and otherwise. When I read the Bible I disbelieve the miracles in there too.  I gloss over the stories like they are fairy tales or fables.

I realized somewhere, somehow I determined it was all a bunch of make believe. The realization of this is brutally shocking to me, I don’t even know what to do with myself.

I admit, it’s a scary place to be.

So here I am, on the day before Resurrection Day, crying out to God… Lord, I believe, help my unbelief. (Mark 9:24).

Do you struggle with reading the Bible and believing in miracles, signs and wonders? Do you believe miracles are for today? Have you experienced a miracle in your life? Have you seen someone get healed miraculously? Have you seen blind eyes and deaf ears open? The dead raised?

  • Pilar – thank you for your honesty. I often struggle with unbelief. For me, I don’t doubt the miracles of the Bible or God’s ability to do miracles. My unbelief is more of a “will He?” Especially in regards to answering my prayers. I have struggled for years believing that God will provide for our needs. In the late 1990s, my husband lost his job and it was 18 months before he found full time work. It was a struggle and our lifestyle changed drastically. Although our basic needs were met – we didn’t lose a home or car to foreclosure or repossession, I still find myself anguishing whenever unexpected expenses occur. (It took us a number of years to recover financially). Yet He has never failed to provide – not always what we want, but always what we need.

    Many blessings to you.

    • Hi Joan, thanks for your thoughtful comment. I’m so glad the Lord provided for you during that hard time. I am struggling with the whole signs and wonders thing. I know so many genuine believers who have seen and now believe. But because I have not experienced it for myself, I am very skeptical and have a difficult time believing for some reason. I know it’s completely my issue. I have prayed for things in the past and He didn’t answer. I felt like He was rejecting me, so now I am scared to really step out and believe, you know what I mean? Anyway, thanks for reading my posts and for commenting. I really appreciate it.

  • debra c.

    Pilar, this is the 3rd comment I’ve left on your posts today. I read one post, then another, and another. I feel a kinship with you here. My mind works like that of a scientist, but my heart is that of a spiritual being. They directly conflict each other, and it’s hard. Thank for you reminding me of Mark 9:24. Sometimes I feel that God understands my logical, cynical self. But I want unadulterated faith! I wish I could turn my mind off and accept the word as 100% true.

    • I am so happy to read this. Thank you so much. This encourages me because in Januar,y I unplugged from everything that would help promote this blog. I prayed to the Lord and told Him this is His blog and I am His servant. Please bring those you wish to be here. I am grateful the Lord brought you.