What is this constant gnawing of discontent and dissatisfaction? What is it that propels me to search and chase after other gods? Why do I continue with cheap substitutes to fill the void? Why isn’t Jesus enough?

Courtesy of Creative Commons

The internal battle wages. Desperate for Jesus one minute, like Judas the next.

Why can’t I serve the One who gave His very life?

Sometimes I think I’m ever learning, and never coming to the knowledge of the truth. (2 Timothy 3:7)

I tremble at the thought of having a form of godliness but denying its power. (2 Timothy 3:5)

Those are scary verses and so is this blog post written by a wise, young woman, the daughter of missionary friends in Guatemala.

*****

I have been wrestling, after a difficult discussion with a black Hebrew Israelite the other day.

I realized where I’m at and how ill-equipped I am.

I examined myself and came to the conclusion, Jesus isn’t enough.

For if He was enough, I wouldn’t have other affections competing with Him.

These subtle or obvious distractions taking me away from my first love.

Why does this happen?

Am I being deceived or believing a lie?

Why isn’t Jesus enough?

When I say I love Him, what does that mean?

I seem to read the Bible out of rote.

When I read, it’s like a science fiction movie.

The Bible seems outlandish and unreal.

I believe in God, I believe in Jesus, I don’t doubt this.

However, if I’m honest, I have trouble believing everything I read. I guess because it seems so out there.

I make myself read every day. I pray and ask the Lord to open my spiritual eyes of understanding. To make it real and personal, but it hasn’t happened yet.

So when I encountered that man the other day, I wasn’t prepared or able to do what the Jehovah Witnesses did.

It even goes deeper than this, there are times I have a crisis of faith, and don’t know what I believe anymore.

No, I won’t walk away from Jesus again, I’ve done that too many times, by exploring other religions which got me nowhere.

Sadly though, I live as if Jesus isn’t enough. For I am still trying to fill the void, with everything else but Him.

It comes down to this, I force myself to read the Bible every day, but I don’t get it, neither do I enjoy it.

Yes, on occasion, I will come across a verse that speaks to me, but there isn’t some profound revelation that changes my life.

I still have the same habits, the same fears, the same distrust, the same lack of faith; nothing’s changed. I’ve just learned to hide it or mask it better.

The Word does not become alive to me, which is why I’ve chased after other gods.

My story is a long one.

I’ve been in this struggle for years now which is probably why I’ve walked away so many times.

If I don’t love the Word, then how can I call myself a Christian?

I love Jesus, I guess to the capacity I am able.

But, you can’t manufacture something you don’t have. Just like you can’t make yourself fall in love.

Love is more than a four letter word we say. I can say I love Jesus, but at the end of the day, what does that really mean?

How is my love for Him showing up in my every day life? When something unfair or unjust happens? When someone wrongs me? How I treat others?

The reason why I find the bible dull is due to my own lack of understanding resulting from a hard heart.

The Bible says God shall not be mocked. (Galatians 6:7)

He will not unravel, unlock or unleash His mysteries to just anyone.

Only those who seek Him like hidden treasure and put Him first above all else. (Matthew 13:44 and Matthew 6:33)

Do you struggle reading and understanding the Bible? Do you enjoy reading the Bible? What did you do to begin to enjoy it? How has reading the Bible changed your life?